Actor Russell Brand recommends starting with this question: “Do you have a problem? Is there some activity—drinking, eating, spending money, gambling, watching porn, destructive relationships, promiscuity . . . [you] are struggling to stop?” We could easily add worrying, lying, hoarding, cheating, judging, gossiping, compulsive scrolling—any behavior that betrays your values—to Brand’s list.

Brand continues, “If the answer is no, well done, carry on, you should have plenty of time on your hands to help others less fortunate and generally serve the planet and its people.”

If you’re not sure, stop. Take a deep breath. Release the tension in your face and shoulders and hands. What happens when you get still? Where do the troubled thoughts or anxious feelings turn?

Maybe it’s a divorce. Or a child who broke your heart. Or a boss you can’t please. Or a disease you can’t shake. Or a habit you can’t break. Or a loss you can’t redeem. Or a dream you can’t revive. Or anxiety you can’t overcome. Or hatred you can’t melt. Maybe you’re bored. Guilty. Afraid. Ashamed.

The first step is not to fix it or solve it or manage it or minimize it or claim victory over it. It’s to name it—write it down even.

But before you do, here’s one more instruction to raise the challenge (i.e., pain) level. Don’t share/write simply about an external situation or person, apart from your reactions. This is about your powerlessness. “My anxieties . . . My fears . . . My envy . . . My discontent . . . My drinking . . . My bitterness . . .”

Maybe this is your moment.
Share it with your group if you want to. Or plan to spend some time writing it down. Stretch out your hand . . .

We are dealing now with our capacity for denial. It is sometimes said that addiction is the only disease in which the victim of the disease, as a symptom of the disease, does not believe that she or he has it despite evidence to the contrary. But every one of us suffers from denial.

So now is the time to ask: Where is an area of life where your attempts at man- aging and controlling have not worked? For instance, in one survey of parent-child relationships, the single most common problem cited was the inability or unwilling- ness of parents to let go of their adult children and allow them to live their own lives.16

Where must we resign as “Manager” of our lives, a decision sometimes summarized as “Let go and let God”?

Pray for a moment of clarity.
This moment of clarity, which sounds depressing from the outside, is actually the doorway to life.

Take a moment to identify where you feel the pain of inadequacy. A habit. A relationship. Work. Reputation. Faith. Sex. Fear. Generosity. Friendship. Selfishness.

Where on the Scale of Acceptance do you find your own attitude toward your inadequacy? Rejection? Resisting? How might you be able to move up one level on the scale?

This week, say, “I don’t know” a few times.

Humbly ask somebody for help with something.

Don’t try to get rid of your negative emotions; simply observe them.

This week, accept the reality that circumstances will never totally be the way you want them to be.

Stop trying to pretend to control what you cannot control.

Actually thank God for the personal weaknesses that make you realize your dependence on him and your need for other people.